On May 15th 2009 I missed my period. I have always been very regular and April was the first month my husband, Eric, and I had not been careful with birth control. We were turning 30 that year and thought after almost 10 years of marriage the time was right to see if we could have a baby. I started spotting brown and called the doctor to confirm my pregnancy. I was pregnant, and because of the spotting I was sent at 6 weeks pregnant for an early ultrasound.
At the first ultrasound the tech saw a sac, a yolk, and a fetal pole. There was no heartbeat and the fetus measured 6 weeks 6 days. I asked if this was something to be concerned about and I was told it was very early in the pregnancy and it was still iffy if we would see a heartbeat by ultrasound at this point. I let the tech know that we had a vacation to DisneyWorld in Florida we were leaving for the following Monday and let her know that if something was wrong I didn't want to get on a plane. I never received a call, so thinking everything was fine (apart from missing all the good roller coasters), we left for Florida as planned.
On a lay-over in Denver I received an email from my medical group letting me know the ultrasound results were ready for me to read online. I quickly navigated to my online chart and my heart sank. The radiologist recommendation was for immediate care. I googled and googled and debated de-boarding and going home then. I left a message with my doctor's office and decided to continue on despite the massive anxiety attack I was having.
I KNEW something was very wrong. I had already been having severe morning sickness and was more comfortable in maternity pants. When we landed in Orlando I had voice mails waiting. My doctor instructed me to go to an urgent care or emergency room as soon as possible. I checked in, and after waiting hours to be seen had my miscarriage confirmed. The attending doctor wanted me to schedule a d&c for the next morning but I couldn't do it in an unknown public hospital and I wasn't ready to let the baby go. I couldn't leave her in Florida when I knew I had a good chance at being allowed to miscarry naturally at home. I checked out against doctors orders and returned to our hotel where I promptly threw up. It took a lot of finagling but we were able to leave at 2 pm the next day. I passed some tissue on the way home and went to the doctor the next day.
I was given misoprostol, a drug that would make my uterus contract and abort the baby. I took along with some painkillers as soon as I got home from that appointment and spent the weekend in bed, mourning and bleeding. I had a follow up appointment and was told we could try to conceive after I had had one normal period. I mentioned that I had not been feeling well, but we chalked it up to the shock and all the sudden travel. A few days later I was still feeling nauseous and sick so I went back to my regular doctor. She did a pelvic and had me go for a blood test.
By this time I had read up on miscarriage and a small paragraph I had read about molar pregnancy stuck with me because of the things I had seen while I miscarried. The blood test confirmed that I was still producing hCG, the pregnancy hormone and that at the very least I had retained tissue and it was very likely I had had a molar. All this required a d&c. In hindsight, I wish I had gotten the d&c over with in Florida. After the surgery I spent another week in a painkiller daze, the pain in my heart worse than anything I could feel in my body. On July 1st my molar pregnancy was confirmed. I had to have weekly blood tests until my hCG was normal. I had a HUGE needle phobia, consistently needing to lie down because I would get so anxious I would pass out. Weekly needling sounded like hell. I decided since I was invariably going to get over this needle phobia, I better go balls out and started acupuncture to try to get my levels to drop more quickly. My hcg ran it's course in 9 weeks:
pre D&C 6/20 – 255,000
7/2 - 1322
7/9 - 276
7/16 – 100
7/23 - 44
8/6-17
8/13- 11
8/19 - 7
8/26- 5
The wait was emotionally excruciating . It was bad enough that I had lost my first baby after having wanted one, wanting to be a mother from as early age as I can remember. On top of that, to now have to wait 6 months to try to conceive was a very hard pill to swallow. I had plans. The molar pregnancy was NOT in my plan. I had planned to start trying on our 10th wedding anniversary in August, figuring I wouldn't get pregnant until October resulting in a late June/early July baby--right in between Eric and my birthdays. Being a controlled person, thriving on order, the chaos of emotions and bodily trauma and the threat of chemo completely broke me down. I had to rearrange my feelings and self through the molar process. At the time, it was hell. All I was really capable of us devoting myself to further weight loss by going to the gym daily, tanning at the local tanning bed, making dinners, and smoking my head off. I was in a haze of smoke, tanning lotion, and pain.
I named the baby Abigail, meaning "Joy of the Father." Since my daughter was now in heaven, she would be God's joy, not mine. Doing that helped. I had been on hormonal birth control since the molar diagnosis since it was imperative that I NOT get pregnant while my hCG was abnormal. I had warned my doctor that this might not work for me since it would make my hormonal migraines sometimes last up to 5 days. I was right, and in September I had to stop taking the pills. I had a normal period and 3 weeks later was having a really off day. I was super crabby and by the end of the day I had a very strong feeling I was pregnant. I told Eric that I felt pregnant and he sadly told me I just wanted to be pregnant and reminded me that we had been preventing. I had a feeling he was wrong and the next week I got to prove him so.
To be continued...
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