Honorable Mention Baby Items

Thinking back, I had to give honorable mention to some other items that I love, but aren't in that lifesaving category or didn't last the entire first 6 months, etc:

Ergo Performance Carrier:  I have two carriers, the My Baby Nest, which is a wrap style carrier, and the Ergo.  The My Baby Nest was great when Vy was little.  The Ergo is IT when it comes to carrying her around while we're out and about (she gets sick of the car seat) and when I need full mobility of both arms.  The performance is super light and like all Ergo models, it's super comfy for all body types.

Puj Tub:  The Puj tub was perfect for bathing Vy when she was littler.  It would have continued to be great if she wasn't such a tall baby and our sinks were bigger.  As a new mom I felt secure bathing her in the Puj and it was really easy and fast to set up.  I think if we had a larger sink with a different faucet I would have used it longer.

Camera: Specifically, a camera with a burst mode or fast shutter.  I use my iPhone a lot since I can take several photos at a time to get that perfect picture.  But I've been slowly using my point and shoot digital since the quality is better and it has a burst mode where it takes one picture every second.

Water Boiler:  We have a Zoshirushi water boiler that keeps water at a boil all day long.  Having boiling water is great when you have a little one.  Its great for warming bottles, flash sterilizing dropped pacifiers (depending on where they were dropped), and helps the dinner process along.

Baby Nail Scissors:  Don't know what's wrong with me but I am a klutz when it comes to trimming Violette's nails with a baby nail cutter.  I always seem to leave a jagged end and it's annoying.  This weekend I got some Tweezerman Baby Nail Scissor/File set and it is SO much easier to cut her nails.  There's safety guard that helps you not cut too short.

Ten Best Items for Baby and Mama-the First 6 Months

My baby is almost 6 months old!  I seriously have no idea how 6 months have passed already, although it seems so long ago that she was a tiny baby.  Reflecting back, here is my list of 10 items that have been invaluable these past 6 months:

1.  iPad:  I spend so much time rocking Violette for naps and I got really sick of watching tv after the first two weeks.  At first I had a laptop but it was really hard to type on it.  Since the iPad has the touch function it’s super easy to browse the web, read online magazines, play games, and correspond that way.  It’s expensive (and mine was a gift), but made my life a lot easier and happier.

2.  Anything Aden and Anais:  This brand is the best!  Cotton muslin gets softer and softer with each washing and retains heat in a way that avoids overheating or getting too cold.  Violette has the sleepers (regular weight and cozy), swaddles, cozy blanket, issie, and burpy bibs.  The burpy bibs go at the top of my list since they are multiuse: burpies, bibs, and they work great when you’re pumping.  They are bean shaped so they nicely right under your breasts to catch any leaks. 

3.  Good quality glider: In retrospect I would have bought a glider that also reclined, but having a good quality glider is essential.  I must have spent the entire first two months sitting in mine.  Springing for the ottoman was great as well because it allowed me to keep my feet up after my c-section.

4.  Sophie the Giraffe: Sophie is Violette’s favorite teething toy!  Ours did smell like rubber at first, but after a few washings and lots of use the smell has gone away.  She can be a huge crabby pants and Sophie cheers her right up.

5.  Brest Friend:  The unfortunately named Brest Friend actually will become your best friend while nursing!  I had both the Boppy and the Brest Friend and preferred the latter.  It straps around your waist which is nice because it has a little back support section that helps you sit up straighter.  At first I used pillows but it made getting set up for feedings a pain in the ass and my back would still burn.  Violette nursed in the football hold position exclusively for the first 3 months until she big enough not to get smothered by my breast and I just put the Brest Friend on sideways and it worked perfectly. 

6.  NoseFrida: Oh the wondrous NoseFrida!  This was recommended to me by our photographer who is a new dad himself.  It’s the best thing since sliced bread!  Violette was very congested the first few months and would SCREAM when we’d put saline drops in her nose and try to suction out the mucous with a bulb aspirator.  The NoseFrida is totally hygienic and really gets that snot out of the little one’s noses.

7.  Orajel Medicated Swabs: Way easier to get the Orajel actually on the gums using these instead of the gel.  Instant relief (for Violette and my ears).

8.  Glow Worm (comfort item) for diaper changes:  At first Vy didn’t like diaper changes, not sure why.  Her glow worm plays a little song and glows.  It provided her with a familiar comfort item when being changed.  Now that she’s bigger it gives something to play with so during diaper changes.  If anything, it’s a roll over deterrent on the high changing table.

9.  Baby Bjorn lightweight pack and play:  I’ll be honest, we’re freaking spoiled.  We have both the conventional Graco pack and play and the Baby Bjorn.  The bells and whistles of the Graco are great for home, but it’s really heavy and bulky for trips.  The Baby Bjorn packs up very compactly, and like they claim, you can set it up in 20 seconds flat.  Vy really likes it, I think the shape makes her feel safe and secure, especially in random environments.

10.  King Sized Bed: We co-slept with Violette in a queen bed the first two months or so, but I got really tired of being squished in the middle.  The king bed was an essential buy for everyone’s sleep.  Vy has plenty of room on her side, she’s safe with the baby guard rail, and I don’t have to worry.

So there are the 10 things I can’t live without!  I’m sure I’ll find more as the year progresses and the adventure continues!

Cloth Diaper Reviews

Someday I won't be so exhausted and unable to come up with repartee about any and all subjects, so for now, a diaper review.

My take on Cloth Diapering: I started Violette out with 7th Generation disposable diapers, just to get the hang of a newborn, then over the second and third month switched to cloth diapers at home.  Disposables are too easy when we're out in public (plus I opted for large designer purse instead of a traditional diaper bag so there's not exactly enough room to tote clothies around).  I comfort myself in knowing that the 7th Gen are compostable (although I've yet to put Violette's wet diapers into our compost yet).  I prefer cloth to disposables for many reasons, one of which is Violette's comfort.  Although she's never had a complaint from disposables, she's almost four months old and has never had a diaper rash (knock on wood).  I like the green aspect of cloth diapering, now that I have enough diapers we only do laundry ever other day and it's really not that bad.  Some cloth diapers can be a little bulky and I have to plan to dress her in a footy sleeper or her larger size cloths to accommodate the extra size.  All reviews are for diapers used from 2-4 months on an exclusively breast fed girl.

gDiapers all in Two Hybrid
http://www.gdiapers.com/
Flushable Insert:  I didn't care for the flushable insert.  I tried them when Violette was pretty small so I wasn't totally into leaving her to flush the insert for every diaper change, just seemed like a pain in the ass.  Many of the inserts ended up in the diaper genie.  The paper insert didn't do well with poos, especially blow outs (more on that later).

Cloth Insert:  I really love the cloth insert.  One side is nice fleecy cotton and the other is hemp.  The hemp is ULTRA absorbent.  Even with a super wet diaper the fleece stays pretty dry.  Handles poos great, but blow outs soil the liner.

I like gDiapers and would recommend them.  Going in, I wasn't prepared that blow out poops would leak into the liner (they rarely leak into the little pant-the only time was with the flushable inserts).  But I was unprepared for blow out poops at all, luckily they're infrequent.  Buying extra liners solved that problem.  The absorbency of the cloth insert is the best of all the inserts I've used.  Violette has outgrown her first set of little pants and I still use her small size inserts as doublers in her Bum Genius and Flip diapers.  I experienced bunching (in the front) with both the flushable and the cloth inserts, usually only when wet.  One downside is that gDiapers come in sizes so you'll end up buying at least two sets.  They come in Tiny (5-8 lbs), Small (8-14 lbs), Medium (13-28 lbs) and Large (26-36 lbs).  We get by with six pairs of little gpants, 12 liners, and 12 inserts (along with other diapers).  Now that Violette is in the Med/Larges I don't think I'll buy the next size up, opting for cloth diapers that will span the life of her diaper days although gdiapers has frequent deals and sales, so I'm not totally opposed to buying more.

GroVia all in Two Hybrid (Velcro Closures with sizing snaps)
http://www.gro-via.com/index.php
GroVia diapers have a snap in soaker pad with two layers of cloth and a layer of waterproof cloth.  I like all in twos because all you have to do is change the liner.  They are a little expensive, the new line just came out so they're hard to find on sale.  I like GroVias a lot because they are very slim fitting and the organic cotton in the inserts is very easy to clean with the toilet sprayer.  The GroVias come in one size, all you have to do is snap it open as the baby grows.  The diaper grows with the baby, although their size chart shows inches, I'm guessing they are similar to the gDiapers in sizing.  GroVia also makes a disposable insert, similar to a maxi pad (has a sticky side you adhere to the diaper), but I haven’t tried them yet.  These are definitely my favorite cloth diaper for ease of use.

GroVia All in One (formerly Dream Eze)
This review is of Dream Eze, I haven’t tried the new GroVia all in one yet and probably won’t.  These diapers have the easy clean up of the all in twos, but instead of an insert have two soakers sewn into the diaper.  The back is attached, but the front is not.  They take a long time to dry, usually needing two rounds on permanent press in the dryer.  They get really bulky if you buy the organic ones without the cover.  The soaker pads are a little unruly and bunch up in the dryer.  After using the hybrids I wouldn’t go with an all in one again.

Bum Genius 4.0 Pocket, Hook Loop Closure
http://www.bumgenius.com/index.php
Bum Genius have a nice microfleece type covering over the pocket, and a waterproof inner lining.  The inserts are plushy terry cloth and have good absorbency.  They are one size with snaps for sizing.  They come with two inserts: a newborn insert and an insert that also has snaps for sizing.  You can use the newborn insert as an extra soaker, and I also use my old gdiaper inserts for this as well.  These diapers are great for people who are not used to cloth diapers like caregivers or grandparents since you can have them put together and they look and go on like disposable diapers.  The diapers have to be air dried to extend the life of the waterproof lining, but even in cold weather mine line dry in about 16 hours.  These diapers are fairly bulky but handle poos like a champ.  They clean easily too.  I like that they are one size so I won’t have to buy anymore.  So far, no stains.

Gerber Organic Prefolds (with Flip Diaper Cover)
It took me awhile to warm up to the idea of prefolds, I thought they’d take a long time to load up while Violette was on the changing table, but that’s not the case at all.  I fold them up after washing so I really just have to grab one or two and set them in the diaper cover.  You can use them with any diaper cover, I use Flip diaper covers because that’s what my local cloth diapering source carries.  They are one size and work great with any insert or prefold. 

Bum Genius Diaper Sprayer
Eric installed the Bum Genius Diaper Sprayer on our toilet.  It was easy to install, but he had to go back and tighten some of the parts since it leaked at first.  If I turn on the sprayer full blast (which I generally don’t need to, it has terrific pressure) it sometimes leaks.  The sprayer is almost too good; I have to be careful about aiming it correctly otherwise water will splash around the toilet and the bathroom.  Best used with toilet seat up.  Super convenient, I’m sure any brand would work fine.

FuzziBunz Doorknob Wetbag

Giant wetbag that has hooks to fit over the doorknob.  Has a zipper on the bottom so you don’t have to unload diapers into the dryer, just unzip, dump, and throw it in.  I don’t observe any odors.

Hospital Bed Pads
I use hospital bed pads over my changing pad cover and when Violette was very little while changing her in our bed at night.  I rarely need them anymore, but I got a bunch on sale so I always have one stocked on the changing pad.  I recommend them to first time moms and dads just getting the hang of diaper changes.

Stay at Home Mom-Why do I have to be so literal?

Violette has settled in nicely with us, it's like she was always here.  Eric and I find ourselves saying things like, "It was so BORING without her,"  "What did we ever do without her?  Same old shit."  Violette fits in so perfectly with us.

Things are a lot busier though, so that's been taking some getting used to.  Some days I only get out of the house to go on our daily walk.  That's been hard.  With so many naps to schedule in I feel like it's not worth it do go on needless errands (like picking up my gossip at the newsstand every Thursday for instance) aren't worth it if Violette is going to miss her naps.  Who have I become? 

Mostly I miss going to the gym everyday.  GTL had it's great renaissance with me last summer and those days are over for now.  I just can't stand the thought of leaving my infant at the gym day care.  I know it's a pretty bourgeois gym, but who is to say there aren't lice on the children of the bourgeoisie?

This is time is so precious though, we won't get it back.  So if I spend my day playing with my daughter and reading televisionwithoutpity.com while she naps, so be it.  It is weird-the complete change in perspective.  When Eric and I go out on dates I revel in crossing an empty parking space (true story).  Being able to step into a slightly hazardous situation feels like wild abandon these days, simply because I only have to think about my safety and not someone else's. 

I'm going to have to join a play group soon.  I'm sort of looking forward to that and sorta not.  We'll see.  

L&D of Violette Sophia/My Recovery

After two days of cramping, my water broke at 6:45 am on Sunday, June 27, 2010.  I called the Dr and was sent to L&D.  We arrived at 9:00 am and were monitored in triage for about an hour and half.  Although my contractions were strong by then, my uterus was deemed “unorganized” but they decided to admit me to the unit because of my elevated blood pressure and a bit of dehydration.  We had trouble monitoring the baby from the outside and while I tried to hydrate orally I just wasn’t getting enough so we decided to get some IV fluids in me.  They stuck me 5 times before calling the anesthesiologist to install the IV, ultimately in my inner wrist (ack!  It later came out and I had to be stuck 6 more times in the middle of the night to find a new vein, I looked like a complete junkie by the time I left the hospital). 

I labored using hypnotic birth techniques for the next twelve hours.  I spent some time in the Jacuzzi tub, but eventually asked for some pain assistance.  I had no idea I had been laboring so long, but I knew my limits and was about to reach my pain/panic threshold-it was becoming very difficult to stay focused through the pain because the back labor was so strong.  I took one dose of fentanyl and was feeling great for about 45 minutes.  By then I knew that I wanted the epidural.  I was so proud to later learn that I did go 12 full hours unmedicated and was able to experience that part of labor.  I was scared of the epidural but knew it was the best thing.  I had full confidence in the anesthesiologist (the same who installed my IV) and was able to get in a comfortable and optimal position for him to quickly install the epidural, again the hypnotic birth training helping with my uneasiness with the procedure. 

I was so relieved when they turned on the medicine!  I knew then that my chances of needing pitocin after that were amplified I was only 5/6 cent dilated but 90% effaced, but I figured I’d cross that bridge when I got there.  We had had trouble monitoring the baby externally all day and we had to install the internal monitoring in the evening.   I was upset that there was a screw in my baby’s head, but I knew it was best to know what was going on.  Her heartbeat was excellent the entire labor, but she wasn’t having the expected accelerations and decelerations during surges.  I labored through the night and was able to nap, listening to Harry Potter audiobooks to relax. 

I went through two more nurse shifts throughout the night and was seen by a midwife while the OB on call was attending some more complicated births at another hospital.  The midwife was able to tell that my cervix was dilating unevenly-my cervix is “tilted” so one side was dilating more than the other.  She also told us that the baby had a lot of hair!  That definitely got me through the rest night with a lot of motivation.  We tried several labor positions (which was so hard to move around with my legs completely numb, but I am so glad I worked out my entire pregnancy, I impressed the nurses and myself with my ability to move myself with my upper body strength), ending up on my side with my husband gently rocking my hip to encourage the slow side of the cervix to ripen. 

As we hit the 24 hour mark since the water had broke, I had an ultrasound to estimate the baby’s size; they thought she was about 7 lbs.  We talked C section possibility around 12:15 pm, but after the next check I was fully dilated and 100% effaced.  I pushed for 4 hours with little progress, even though I was able to squat once they turned off the epidural.  The anesthesiologist had a shift change and I was flattered and encouraged that my original one came by to visit me before he left to tell me what a great job I was doing and that I was a “model patient.” 

After 4 hours passed, a specialist was called in.  He roughed me up a little while checking the babies position, which was ROA but slightly transverse due to my tilted cervix.  He recommended a C section and when my Dr came back it was time to go.  I was exhausted and started shaking uncontrollably.  They told me this was normal but it freaked me out.  They gave me a drug to drink, I don’t remember what it was for, but it came back up and I dry heaved for a bit while my mom and Eric changed into scrubs.  Then I was rushed to OR and prepped for surgery.  Everything was going by so fast, but the anesthesiologist was very nice and explained everything that I was going to feel.  Eric and my mom were allowed to come in and they started the surgery. 

The surgery is really a blur until the baby was born and even then I felt disconnected and numb.  The nurses expounded that she was still a girl, and big girl at that, 9 lbs 11 oz.  The baby was crying and a purply red color and I could only catch glimpses of her while they worked on her under the heat lamps.  I saw her mess of black curls and flashes of her hands and feet but I was so dissatisfied I stopped looking because I decided I would rather see her full on then disappointing glances, I would wait.  I wanted so badly to see her face.  They brought her over to Eric but he was sitting a bit behind me and they wouldn’t let me hold her while they were finishing the surgery.  The nurses kept telling me to look at my baby but craning my neck hurt and I started shaking again.  I had intense shoulder pain and my sinuses were filling up from crying, I was a mess.  My mom told me that her eyes were violet and that she was really pretty. Once they had sewed me back up I was rolled to get on a back board to move me back to the maternity bed.  I got a nice view of a wall of bloody gauze but I tried to put it out of my mind. 

I don’t remember much until they put the baby in my arms back in our room.  It’s all kind of blurry now, I was on a lot of medication, but I had her skin to skin immediately and did not let go of her for a long time.  I declined the nurses offers to bathe her for several hours because I just wanted to hold this precious girl.  We decided on her name (none of our choices fit like Violette did) did some haggling over spelling, and I was able to have some broth and jello, I was starving. 

The next 5 days are also very blurry and kind of run together.  Leaving the hospital was difficult.  The night before we  got very little sleep, Violette was very fussy.  The night nurse discovered that Violette was feverish and possibly dehydrated at around 3 am.  She suggested that I had no milk and set me up with a pump, although she admitted she really didn’t know how to work it.  I was completely upset thinking my milk was gone after having been praised by the lactation staff all week for my abundant and superior colostrum.  Nothing came of 15 minutes of pumping and I tearfully accepted a bottle of formula for my inconsolable baby.  

It was unclear all morning if they would discharge us, with Violette’s bad night and my staples unready to be removed (my Dr had removed 3 the day before, but decided to leave the rest another day) a few nurses implied I would have to stay one more day.  This possibility made ME inconsolable and the stress and lack of sleep came to a head and I had a big breakdown, loud uncontrollable sobs.  It was embarrassing and a for whatever reason the thought of not going home, not bringing a baby home that day brought out intense feelings about my pmp baby.  I was also sick of the uncomfortable hospital bed and not having Eric sleep next to me, I just couldn’t relax there.  Eric helped calm me down and we were able to go home in the afternoon.  I am still upset that I walked in to the hospital with a natural birth/breastfeeding goal and walked out with a dinnertime c-section and a bag full of formula, a complete statistic.

Once we were home things were a lot better.  I had a lot of swelling from the surgery and it started to come down in earnest once I was in my own comfort zone (although it didn’t completely go away until about 2 weeks later and self imposed bed rest-25 lbs in water total!).  We did end up being on the go too much the first week home.  We had to visit the hospital again on Saturday for a weight check for Violette since she had lost about a pound those first 5 days.  Why that was discovered only hours before our discharge I don’t know, it seemed like our care was hit or miss depending on the nurse.  We met with the lactation consultant, who is AWESOME and so sensitive to all the emotions that go into breastfeeding and having difficulties with it.  She helped us make a breastfeeding plan and it is working. 

I had two days at home with no outside commitments, but on Tuesday I woke up at 2 am feeling weird.  After using the bathroom I checked my incision to find that I was bleeding from it.  Since I am still afraid to look at it, I had my mom check it and she told me I needed to go the ER.  Leaving Violette was the hardest thing and I cried all the way there and through the check in process.  I was so scared that something was really wrong with me; I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was going to end up losing my uterus.  After all the pmp stuff my mind instantly goes to the worst case scenario.  My heart was hurting knowing I left my daughter home and that she would wake up for her next feeding and I wouldn’t be there.  Luckily it wasn’t a busy night at the ER and I was home by 4 am with new butterflies on the part of my incision that had had the staples removed.  I had the rest of the staples removed that day and was assured that things were healing well. 

The next morning I had just finished feeding Violette around 6:30 am and noticed my pants were wet.  I though it might just be spilled milk or a diaper leak but checked my wound just in case.  I was gushing blood from my incision (the other side this time) and had to have my mom do a triage since I was making pools on the floor-thank God she was there and was an OR Tech before she became an attorney! I definitely needed her calm and experienced hands.  Again, Eric bundled me in the car (much less emotional, much more resigned) and off to the ER we went, leaving Violette in my mom’s good care.  This time my surgeon met us in the ER and let me know that the next course of action would be opening up my incision and keeping it packed with medical gauze to let it (slowly) heal from the inside out alleviating fluid build up.  I was completely horrified at having to walk around with an open wound for the next 2-4 weeks, but it had to be done.  After going into the Dr’s office for dressing changes the next 3 days, we found out that the VNA had no nurses to come help me so Eric and my mom had to learn how to pack my incision. 

Eric took off 6 weeks of work to help me heal.  I really regret that more of that time wasn't spent bonding and just enjoying Violette without having to deal with the seroma twice a day.  All in all it took 9 weeks to fully heal (it also took 9 weeks to get to negative after the seroma and for my pinky to heal from a break in 2009 so I've decided that all medical bs takes 9 weeks).  My incision scar is awful looking, I avoid looking at it.  I'll have to have a mini tummy tuck or another child by c section to fix it.    

I have very mixed feelings about the whole thing.  I modulate from feeling extremely cheated out of a normal and happy birth experience (the pmp, the emergency c section, the unexpected breastfeeding issues, and the incision complication), to optimistic resignation about the whole process.  This is my experience, this is what my journey needed to be, and I am accepting it.  I do have mixed feelings about having another child.  My Dr, my surgeon, and another one of their partners have all informed me that I am not a candidate for VBAC.  It’s not something I would have thought about attempting anyway, but it does feel crappy to have that option completely taken off the table.  I don’t even know if we want another child, and I know a planned C section would be much easier, but I’m not keen on putting my body through this again.  I am starting to grieve my pregnancy a bit, but I know it will pass.  Every time I get upset about it I try to remind myself that it’s not a decision I have to make right now, or even in the next 18 months. 

Even though it’s been disappointing and upsetting, none of the complications have taken anything away from how lovely our Violette is and how wonderful it is to bond with her and hold her in my arms.  I keep concentrating on that because if I don’t I’m afraid I would become overwhelmed at all the hurdles I’ve continued to have to jump over to get to motherhood.  I’ve been lauded as a trooper, and although I’m sincerely tired of having to be so tough, I do take some pride that I might just be able to compare myself to nails after all of this.  The end result yielded such amazing things: Violette is happy and healthy, Eric and my relationship is stronger than ever, and I'm a mom.  Even when I want to feel sorry for myself, I remember that I have been blessed and there is no question that Violette is worth more than every challenge I’ve faced and met. 

New Pregnancy

I had begun using an iPhone app to track my cycles when I got my iPhone so I was no longer used to paying close attention to my cycles on my own.  In September of 2009 I had to go off birth control after my partial molar pregnancy because they were causing me to have 5 day migraines.  When it came time for me to cycle again I didn’t really notice I was late for a few days.  I told Eric I thought I was pregnant and sent him to get a pregnancy test.  He brought back a conventional test and there was a faint line.  From my time in my molar support group I’d learned that when it comes to hcg, a line is a line.  I didn’t let myself get too excited and waiting the next day to test fresh, first thing.  The test was a little bit darker, but not by much.  We had plans to go up to my best friend’s, Nicole, house so we bought a digital test on the way up.  Nicole was out when we got there but always leaves a key so we let ourselves in and I took the digital test.  It was positive.  I couldn’t believe it.  I was surprised and scared, but I had a sense of peace about the pregnancy from the start.  When Nicole came in I told her that there was something in her bathroom, and she said, “Oh, is it ants?”  and I told her, “You could say that.” And when she went in I said, “Now there’s an Aunt in your bathroom.”  We jumped around and squealed and had a really nice day working in her garden.

I called my Dr the next day and told them I was going in for hcg quants every other day and was going to use my existing order.  Having these blood tests come back ok (hcg was doubling only ever 24 hours indicating a normal, singleton pregnancy) made me feel better, but I was still nervous.  I checked for bleeding every time I used the bathroom (actually I did this my entire pregnancy).  Finally November rolled around and we went in for the first appointment.  We looked and felt as morose as the Adaams family.  Both Eric and I were very scared.  He kept asking me when we could rule out another molar, but I had already ruled it out in my mind since the hcg quants looked so good.  My Dr didn’t waste anytime lecturing us for getting pregnant too soon after the molar, nor did she wait to get down to business.  She did an internal ultrasound and on the screen was a little dot with an amazing heart flickering away.  It was viable.

We went on our merry way, surprised and more than a little happy.  Part of my depression with the molar was that my plan for the year had been shot.  I had turned in 30 in July and was set to ovulate over our 10^th wedding anniversary weekend.  I had thought we would start trying then, and figured I wouldn’t get pregnant until October resulting in a Summer baby, maybe one even born right in between Eric and my birthdays.  Ideal.  I had given up on this dream, and here I was, 2 months out of the molar and I got it.  It felt too good to be true, but I still had that sense of peace.  I didn’t completely trust it, but I thought that this baby was here to stay.  The second appointment had a little scary moment when we couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler but my Dr swiftly got the ultrasound machine out and there was my little Mexican jumping bean, jumping all around my womb with it’s arms and legs flailing like it was happy to see me.  We took to calling it Babalou.

Waiting a whole month in between appointments was really hard.  I would ride a high two weeks after an appointment knowing that my baby was safe and secure in my belly.  Then I would start to have my doubts and the anxiety would creep in.  Everyone was telling me the baby was going to be a boy, something people had told my mom with me.  This baby also had the same due date as me, July 1^st.  I walked around looking at boy clothes, cute sailor suits and geek chic onesies with ties.  But I really wanted a girl.  I had been imaging my daughter since I was a little girl.  I think it stems from loving my mom so much I wanted to feel the other side of it from a very young age.  In fact, the only career I’ve consistently wanted growing up was that of wife and mother.  Even in the exciting days spent in Italy studying opera, so close to my dream of performing and singing in front of hundreds was so close I could taste it, motherhood was foremost in my heart.

We had our anatomy scan in February, and I couldn’t wait.  I schedule it for the afternoon and Eric left work early so we could go shopping afterwards for gender themed clothes.  The Dr kept me waiting a good hour and I had to use the bathroom in between because I was in serious pain after all the water I had drunk.  The ultrasound techs I’d had before had harangued me for not drinking enough water so I made sure to drink A LOT before this appointment since I was dying to know the gender.  The Dr said right away that she was pretty sure it was a girl, but I had to do some maneuvering to know for sure.  She was and we got some lovely pictures.  I could tell by her profile that she would probably look like me.  We were elated, and went to do our shopping, but nothing was near good enough to buy for MY LITTLE GIRL.

The rest of the second trimester went well.  I was receiving acupuncture and chiropractic treatments and working out 3-4 times a week so I was feeling great.  In April we took a baby moon to Hawaii.  I found a boat that would take me snorkeling and we went to the Makaha beach area where there is a “turtle cleaning station.”  The turtles were awesome, so mellow, the stoners of the sea.  We moved up the coast following a few pods of dolphins and the boat let us off into the water to follow them.  They explained that they would pick us up once the pod ditched us.  I swam with my mom and Eric, enjoying using my new fins and snorkel and seeing the baby dolphins.  I was hoping they were using their sonar because for them, it’s just like ultrasound so they could see my baby.  They weren’t but I kept up pretty well with the pod.  When they finally moved on, I stopped, assuming my mom and Eric were with me, just behind.  They were behind me, I had out swam them by about 20 yards!  I could see the boat coming and my mom’s face was a little incredulous, and a lot worried.  I started laughing.  I met up with my buddies that I had ditched, and they were asking me if I was ok.  I was perfectly fine, having one of the proudest moments of my life!  I was 30 weeks pregnant and I had just swam with dolphins in the open ocean, AND had out swam two able bodied adults (actually 4 since there was another couple in the water with us).  I felt strong and alive.

The last weeks of my pregnancy went along swimmingly.  I was having a lot of sciatic nerve pain so I changed from circuits to swimming for my exercise.  I never was miserably pregnant.  I certainly had a day or two in the last two weeks where I was OVER it though.  I wanted to meet my baby.  I was a little scared knowing that my birth had been a huge drama (emergency vertical C), but I felt like I had prepared at our birth class and had done home study of hypnotic birth techniques so I was ready.  Once I reached 39 weeks I was ready to have my acupuncturists induce my labor and the next day things got started.

June 2009 Partial Molar Pregnancy

On May 15th 2009 I missed my period.  I have always been very regular and April was the first month my husband, Eric, and I had not been careful with birth control.  We were turning 30 that year and thought after almost 10 years of marriage the time was right to see if we could have a baby.  I started spotting brown and called the doctor to confirm my pregnancy.  I was pregnant, and because of the spotting I was sent at 6 weeks pregnant for an early ultrasound.
At the first ultrasound the tech saw a sac, a yolk, and a fetal pole.  There was no heartbeat and the fetus measured 6 weeks 6 days.  I asked if this was something to be concerned about and I was told it was very early in the pregnancy and it was still iffy if we would see a heartbeat by ultrasound at this point.  I let the tech know that we had a vacation to DisneyWorld in Florida we were leaving for the following Monday and let her know that if something was wrong I didn't want to get on a plane.  I never received a call, so thinking everything was fine (apart from missing all the good roller coasters), we left for Florida as planned.
On a lay-over in Denver I received an email from my medical group letting me know the ultrasound results were ready for me to read online.  I quickly navigated to my online chart and my heart sank.  The radiologist recommendation was for immediate care.  I googled and googled and debated de-boarding and going home then.  I left a message with my doctor's office and decided to continue on despite the massive anxiety attack I was having.
I KNEW something was very wrong.  I had already been having severe morning sickness and was more comfortable in maternity pants.  When we landed in Orlando I had voice mails waiting.  My doctor instructed me to go to an urgent care or emergency room as soon as possible.  I checked in, and after waiting hours to be seen had my miscarriage confirmed.  The attending doctor wanted me to schedule a d&c for the next morning but I couldn't do it in an unknown public hospital and I wasn't ready to let the baby go.  I couldn't leave her in Florida when I knew I had a good chance at being allowed to miscarry naturally at home.  I checked out against doctors orders and returned to our hotel where I promptly threw up.  It took a lot of finagling but we were able to leave at 2 pm the next day.  I passed some tissue on the way home and went to the doctor the next day.
I was given misoprostol, a drug that would make my uterus contract and abort the baby.  I took along with some painkillers as soon as I got home from that appointment and spent the weekend in bed, mourning and bleeding.  I had a follow up appointment and was told we could try to conceive after I had had one normal period.  I mentioned that I had not been feeling well, but we chalked it up to the shock and all the sudden travel.  A few days later I was still feeling nauseous and sick so I went back to my regular doctor.  She did a pelvic and had me go for a blood test.
By this time I had read up on miscarriage and a small paragraph I had read about molar pregnancy stuck with me because of the things I had seen while I miscarried.  The blood test confirmed that I was still producing hCG, the pregnancy hormone and that at the very least I had retained tissue and it was very likely I had had a molar.  All this required a d&c.  In hindsight, I wish I had gotten the d&c over with in Florida.  After the surgery I spent another week in a painkiller daze, the pain in my heart worse than anything I could feel in my body.  On July 1st my molar pregnancy was confirmed.  I had to have weekly blood tests until my hCG was normal.  I had a HUGE needle phobia,  consistently needing to lie down because I would get so anxious I would pass out.  Weekly needling sounded like hell.  I decided since I was invariably going to get over this needle phobia, I better go balls out and started acupuncture to try to get my levels to drop more quickly.  My hcg ran it's course in 9 weeks:
pre D&C 6/20 – 255,000
7/2 - 1322
7/9 - 276
7/16 – 100
7/23 - 44
8/6-17
8/13- 11
8/19 - 7
8/26- 5
The wait was emotionally excruciating .  It was bad enough that I had lost my first baby after having wanted one, wanting to be a mother from as early age as I can remember.  On top of that, to now have to wait 6 months to try to conceive was a very hard pill to swallow.  I had plans.  The molar pregnancy was NOT in my plan.  I had planned to start trying on our 10th wedding anniversary in August, figuring I wouldn't get pregnant until October resulting in a late June/early July baby--right in between Eric and my birthdays.  Being a controlled person, thriving on order, the chaos of emotions and bodily trauma and the threat of chemo completely broke me down.  I had to rearrange my feelings and self through the molar process.  At the time, it was hell.  All I was really capable of us devoting myself to further weight loss by going to the gym daily, tanning at the local tanning bed, making dinners, and smoking my head off.  I was in a haze of smoke, tanning lotion, and pain.


I named the baby Abigail, meaning "Joy of the Father."  Since my daughter was now in heaven, she would be God's joy, not mine.  Doing that helped.  I had been on hormonal birth control since the molar diagnosis since it was imperative that I NOT get pregnant while my hCG was abnormal.  I had warned my doctor that this might not work for me since it would make my hormonal migraines sometimes last up to 5 days.  I was right, and in September I had to stop taking the pills.  I had a normal period and 3 weeks later was having a really off day.  I was super crabby and by the end of the day I had a very strong feeling I was pregnant.  I told Eric that I felt pregnant and he sadly told me I just wanted to be pregnant and reminded me that we had been preventing.  I had a feeling he was wrong and the next week I got to prove him so.

To be continued...